pinkpill time

I am not sure anymore. It really hit me. It all piled up and now it’s really overflowing. It’s not hate, more of disappointment.

I did everything just to be considered for this position and I’ve been working my ass off just to justify that I deserve to get to this level. May be right now, I can say that I’m still struggling and trying to fit in—to be more comfortable in this state. It just hit me! When I was in Fourth Grade, I remembered being accused by my Teacher that I intentionally hi the soccer ball so hard and hit my classmates face. From then on I told myself that I will never let anybody accuse me of anything that I never did, may it be a good or bad thing. I told myself that I will let myself heard. But with what just happened earlier, during our weekly meeting in the office. I don’t know why I kept m mouth shut. Did I chickened-out? But why? I know that I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that I have to let my voice heard or else my boss will just assume that giving an affirmation to what he just said. But I remained silent.

He won and all of us just swallowed everything he said. I will not get affected if this is just the first time and I know that I really did something wrong that resulted for him to be kicked in the ass by his boss. But this is the Nth time that we were being scolded with the “not so good” results of the weeks that passed (as if we’re not really trying to make the numbers). This is the worst if I must say.

There are a total of 6 supervisor-trainees in our account and I’m included in that “group”. To be singled out and be told that we totally disrespected him is a very heavy accusation. May be 5 months is just enough for the other supervisors but for me, with the load of job that was given to me and still pilling-up, I think it will take me 7 months or so to be used to the changing load of job and all that other shitty (I’m actually using this word because I’m so pissed, but I used to like what I do) things that we need to do. I’ve never disrespected anybody, not unless the person does not give respect. It really went straight to my artery and it kept on bleeding. May it would be different if he’s not my friend or is he really? See, now I have a lot of doubts. Now I’m thinking of ditching him and just go back to Manila. It’s really all coming back now, why I dropped my course in college and why I left my previous companies. It’s because their principles are not in line with mine. It’s because they don’t believe in what I can do. It’s because all I’m getting are negative feedback for improvement and no more recognition just to make it balance. It’s like the air that I’m breathing now inside the office is toxic and it dries up my insides until my bones are melted and I can’t do anything anymore but to obey and say YES...even if it’s against my will. May be I just need an outlet to vent all the frustration that piled up after 2 weeks of sarcastic reminders and feedback but for sure I’m never going to be the same to my boss anymore. I will just keep our relationship professional and we will both have a different social life, which I should’ve done before.